


to a stranger

by thethalia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Arthur Pendragon Returns (Merlin), Immortal Merlin (Merlin), Inspired by Poetry, M/M, Memories, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 11:44:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21337693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thethalia/pseuds/thethalia
Summary: "Passing stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me as of a dream,)I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only,You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take my beard, breast, hands, in return,I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,I am to see to it that I do not lose you." - Walt Whitman, "To a Stranger"
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	to a stranger

**Author's Note:**

> As you can already guess, this work is inspired by an amazing poem by Walt Whitman. I'm not really into poetry, to be honest, but I love this one with my whole heart. 
> 
> English is not my first language. I'm very sorry for any mistakes! Feel free to point them out - I'll be grateful.
> 
> Hope you'll like it!

_“Passing stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you”_

Everything he saw was an unimaginable shade of blue. 

Just like a cloudless night sky, illuminated by moonlight and stars. Color reminiscent of bottomless ocean depths, initially scaring to the bone by its infinity, unknown and unattainable, and then intriguing, stimulating the inner desire of adventure, knowledge, discovery. Dark blue so intense that it seems impossible. 

The color of the eyes of a stranger standing behind a bar in one of the most popular clubs in London. 

Arthur sat there enchanted, unable to look away. He didn’t hear what Leon, who was sitting right next to him, was saying. Loud music had gone to the background, conversations of hundreds of people had merged into a quiet noise that he barely registered somewhere on the edge of consciousness. His whole world narrowed down to a tall boy with jet-black hair and magical eyes. 

Magic. The only logical term that he could think of at the time. Because what else could it be? Such eyes were not allowed to exist; they were too beautiful, too perfect. 

Strangely familiar, even though he could’ve sworn he had never seen them before in his entire life. He would definitely remember if it were otherwise. 

Seconds or eternity later (time has ceased to exist, became an infinite unity without meaning) came images, impressions, _feelings_. 

The flash of a sword in the sun, slightly chipped but still reliable, perfectly fitting into a hand clad in leather glove. Its weight as a calming constant in life. A sense of safety and duty that it symbolized. 

Bonfire in the middle of the forest, giving a warm shelter during a cold night. Mouth-watering food prepared by a person with the most beautiful smile on the whole planet. Happy voices telling amazing stories, easy and familiar laughter. An arm next to his during sleep, never leaving him alone, always at his side. 

Long, shapely fingers touching his cheek, his jaw, neck. The thrill of this tenderness. His own hands combing soft hair, grabbing a rubbed handkerchief tied around a neck. His lips on others, full and delicate, enjoying every second spent together. Thinking _I love him, I’ll never leave him, I’ll protect him until my last breath. I love him, I love him, I love him._

These incredibly blue eyes replaced by liquid gold. At first, a sense of betrayal and deception, _how he could have done this to me?_ Immediately, however, understanding, gratitude, sadness. Love. 

_I love him._

“Arthur?” It's Leon, whose tone of voice indicated that it wasn't the first time he said his name. 

The weight of his friend's hand on his shoulder woke him from a trance. Arthur turned towards him and saw a frown on his face, pursed lips, and concern in his eyes. 

“Everything’s alright?” he asked, tilting his head slightly. 

Arthur looked back at where the stranger had been, but he was no longer behind the bar. He quickly scanned the entire club, feeling an invisible loop tighten around his heart. 

He disappeared. It was as if he had never been there. As if he had never even existed. 

He turned his attention back to Leon and brought a small, unconvincing smile to his face. 

“Of course” he said. 

_Of course not_, he added in his head. 

**xxx**

_“You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking”_

Arthur felt a strange emptiness all his life. He felt like something just wasn't as it should be. Sometimes the material of his clothing seemed too unnatural to him, as if it were to be different in some way. Sometimes he didn't like the food - too artificial, everything too similar. Sometimes the language, the sounds leaving his mouth not quite matching what he wanted to say. 

Most often, however, it was the people. He was looking for something in every person he met, though he wasn't sure what it was. He couldn't quite define it. Every time he talked to someone, spent time with that person, formed a relationship with them, his brain told him _it shouldn't be like this, wrong, it's not him._

This feeling disappeared for the most part around several people. With Morgana, his older half-sister. With his father. With Leon, whom he met at the playground when he was six. With Lance, Gwen and Elyan, whom he had known since elementary school. With Gaius, his high school biology teacher. With Percy and Gwain, whom he went to college with. 

None of them, however, ever filled this strange emptiness. It had been with him for as long as he remembered and he already accepted that he would always feel it. That there would always be something - _someone_ \- missing. 

Until finally his gaze crossed with the stranger with impossible eyes. 

**xxx**

_“(it comes to me as of a dream)”_

In his dream he sat on the throne. Crown rested on his head, constantly reminding him of his responsibility. He smoothed the red cape flowing down his shoulders, then adjusted the golden signet ring engraved with a dragon. 

“Stop fidgeting” he heard a voice to his left. He turned his head towards it and saw a tall boy - _no, a grown man, not a boy for a long time already_ \- with jet-black hair and a smile hidden in the corners of his mouth, with eyes color... 

_Oh._

Arthur’s shoulders fell, his muscles involuntarily relaxed. These eyes meant safety, warmth and joy. Home. 

“I’m not fidgeting” he said, trying to pretend he was outraged and offended by the very idea that he, _the king_, could fidget. Tone of his voice and softness in his eyes revealed the truth, though. 

“Sure” said the stranger (how can he be a stranger when Arthur knows his face better than his own, when hearing his voice makes his heart beat like crazy, when while looking at him all he can think is _I love him_). His smile finally spread over his entire face, brightening it and making him more beautiful than the stars in the night sky and the most precious gems, worth more than anything he had ever had. “And I’m the king of Camelot.” 

“Very funny” he replied sarcastically, trying to hide what he was really thinking. _You could be, along with me. We would rule together, equal and inseparable_. “Don’t you have somewhere to be, _Mer_lin? 

_Merlin._

_His name is Merlin._

Black-haired man walked forward. Long fingers, rough from long hours of hard work, ran gently over his hand in a barely noticeable gesture of tenderness. Arthur held his breath, closing his eyes for a split second. He wanted to grab Merlin by the wrist, pull him close and never let go. 

The touch disappeared as soon as it had appeared. His hand, however, remained warm where their skin came in contact. 

**xxx**

_“I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,  
All is recall’d as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured”_

He met him the second time as he was walking home after a hard day at work. His life changed forever that day.

He needed to clear his mind, forget all the stress, quarrels and stack of papers he had left on the desk and which he would have to go through the next day. A walk to his apartment was an ideal opportunity for this, even if the typical London weather, which was rain that had been incessant for many hours, complicated things a bit. 

Arthur, however, was stubborn, which is why he was wandering the streets of his beloved city with barely a hood covering his head, which did not protect him from getting completely soaked through. 

He had just turned into his street, only a little less than a hundred and fifty meters away from the warmth of his home, when someone had hit him with his arm. Irritation grew quickly inside him and he was about to explode, but the other man spoke first. His voice made Arthur's heart and breath stop. 

“Sorry, dear gods, I’m so sorry” said the stranger quickly - no, not a stranger. _Merlin_. Black-haired man raised his head, and when their eyes met, Arthur saw in his blue eyes a flash of surprise, quickly replaced by sadness. 

_Those eyes should never be sad._

Arthur stood petrified, unable to speak. He knew he must have looked a little silly with his mouth open, but he didn't care. All he could think was _Merlin, he's here, he's real._

Merlin opened his mouth as if to say something more, but quickly changed his mind. He swallowed hard, and Arthur watched the movement of his Adam apple as if he was hypnotized. Finally, Merlin turned and began to walk away. 

_No!_

“Merlin!” he finally managed to say. 

Saying the word out loud brought another wave of memories. Tears gathering in the eyes at the sight of a still, pale body and a silent, unspoken promise: _I will save you_. Loud laughter hiding terror and desperation. Arthur's arms clutching around a thinner figure, thinking _thank the gods that I found you, I nothing without you_. The weight of Merlin's head on his bare chest, him looking down at the calm face of the younger man, listening to his even breath. 

A request _hold me_ uttered in a hoarse whisper, the words _thank you_ leaving his cracked, numb, blue lips. 

Merlin stopped and turned slowly. A look of surprise returned to his face, this time with an admixture of hope. 

“Arthur?” he asked quietly and his voice broke. He took an uncertain step toward him and stopped again. 

Arthur had no patience for that. He overcame the distance between them and took Merlin in his arms, holding him as tight as he could. Tears streaming down his cheeks mixed with raindrops. 

The strange emptiness finally disappeared. 

“_Merlin_” he repeated, and the word meant more than any other. Disbelief, infinite joy, relief. Home. Love. 

_I love him_. 

**xxx**

_“You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,  
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only”_

His life was better than the most wonderful fairy tale ever written.

He took a week off work just to enjoy every moment he could spend with Merlin. It didn't matter if they sat together in Arthur's apartment or went out into the city. They were together again, finally, after more than a millennium of separation. 

Arthur and Merlin. Merlin and Arthur. Two sides of the same coin. Connected inseparably by destiny, friendship and love. 

_I love him._

Joint meals brought to his mind both breakfast spent in his chambers in Camelot, when Merlin stole his food and carelessly ignored any boundaries that should exist between a servant and his master, as well as great, sophisticated feasts full of loud music and conversations and silent comments exchanged between the two of them, jokes that no one else would understand, fleeting touches that meant so much. 

Sitting on the grass in the park reminded him of various expeditions, be it hunting trips or them looking for new adventures. He remembered hours spent in the saddle and Merlin's constant complaining, remembered baths in the river and the usual scuffles during them, throwing knights into the water and the loud laughter that escaped his throat, remembered loud evenings and quiet nights, warmth from both the fire and the body lying right next to him. 

And when he was holding Merlin firmly in his embrace, enjoying their closeness, when he kissed him like a man starving, when their naked bodies became one in the most beautiful act of love known to the world... 

He remembered what it was like to fall in love with Merlin for the first time. 

He remembered his horror when he realized the nature of his feelings. Fear of rejection, fear of discovery and possible consequences, fear of entrusting himself to someone else this way. 

He remembered infinite joy when it turned out that this love was mutual. Fast heartbeat, fast breaths, fast kisses, fast hand movements. 

He remembered the desperation that accompanied him when Merlin was in danger. _Don't leave me. I don't allow it. I won't let anything happen to you._

Arthur and Merlin. Merlin and Arthur. United, always and forever. 

“I belong to you and you belong to me” he said that day when they finally found each other, standing in the rain in the middle of one of the sidewalks in crowded London. He had spoken these words once before - centuries earlier, in the privacy of his chambers, standing bare in front of a man who was his whole world. 

“I will not leave you because we are one” Merlin replied hoarsely, also repeating words that the world has long forgotten. 

Arthur and Merlin. Merlin and Arthur. 

**xxx**

_“You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take my beard, breast, hands, in return”_

Seconds, minutes, hours, days. Time passed, and he still hadn't have enough, still wanted more.

More moments spent staring into these amazing eyes, admiring their unimaginable shade of blue. Losing himself in this magical look. 

More moments spent tracing Merlin's face with his fingers, remembering all his features, learning them again by heart. Creating a map in his mind so that even in the greatest darkness he could easily find every little detail. 

More moments spent savoring every millimeter of his lover's body, enjoying the electricity under his skin that accompanied their every touch, breathing in his wonderful smell - herbs and sweat and something so typical for Merlin he could never fully define. On worshiping Merlin in the way he should always be worshiped, and On being worshiped by him. 

Every moment of separation was agony, every second together – pure euphoria. 

That’s why he wanted more. 

**xxx**

_“I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone”_

Even when he was away from Merlin, his thoughts were still with him.

Weekend in his family home caused him physical pain at times. Constant disputes with his father only put more burden on his shoulders, on his heart. 

As always, Merlin was his salvation, even if they were physically many miles apart. 

Midnight was approaching. He was laying in a soft bed, staring at the ceiling. He was thinking and remembering, which was what he had been doing incessantly in the last past weeks. Images from the past and feelings hadn't left him since that night at the club. 

Suddenly, the door to his room opened. He raised his head and saw Morgana entering the room. She was still fully dressed. Arthur suspected that she was sitting in the living room, watching TV. 

She leaned against the dresser and crossed her arms over her chest. She watched him in this silence for a moment. Arthur also said nothing, waiting for her to start the conversation. 

“What’s going on with you?” she finally asked. 

“I think I should be the one asking this question” he replied calmly, falling back on the pillows. “You’re the one breaking into my room in the middle of the night. Without knocking, may I add. Honestly, Morgana, I expected better from you.” 

“Oh, stop this already” she sighed. After a short moment he felt her sitting down on the edge of the mattress. He rose to a sitting position himself. “You're absent all the time, running away with your thoughts. It's not your usual behavior.” 

“Are you worried?” he mocked her, smiling slightly. However, after her next words, he became serious again. 

“It’s because of Merlin, isn’t it?” Even though the question sounded gentle, innocent, all the muscles in his body tensed. “You found him again.” 

Arthur remembered his relationship with Morgana in their previous lives. What _Merlin's_ relationship with her looked like. 

After all, it's hard to forget the sight of a man he loves killing his half-crazy sister. 

“That’s what I thought” she said, reading the answer from his reaction. The corners of her mouth lifted slightly. “For your information, dear brother, I do not intend to make the same mistakes this time around. You have nothing to worry about.” 

She stood up and left the room, sending him one last, sad smile. For the first time in a long time, Arthur didn't know what to think. 

**xxx**

_“I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again”_

When he asked Merlin where he had found old royal signet ring, he did not expect that kind of reaction.

Arthur noticed the ring some time ago. Merlin always wore it on a chain around his neck. At first he wasn't sure if it was the same one that had belonged to him almost a millennium and a half before; this thought seemed impossible, absurd. After all, where could've Merlin found it? 

But then he looked into those amazing eyes and remembered that nothing's impossible. 

Merlin stiffened at first, then quickly got up from the couch they were sitting on, watching a movie. His long, slim fingers gripped the ring, playing with it in his fingers. His big eyes seemed even bigger. 

“Merlin?” Arthur asked hesitantly, also getting up. 

It was the moment when Arthur learned about one last secret of a man who had once built his whole life on them. 

With each passing moment he felt a loop tightening around his throat, stomach and heart. He listened incredulously about a boy - _no, not a boy for a long time already, a grown man since centuries_ \- wandering the world alone. About a man terrified by his power which, while giving him so much, deprived him of the possibility of eternal rest. About an immortal wizard, sentenced to over a thousand years of life without the people he loves. 

“I was waiting for you” he said through a tight throat. “I wanted to give up so many times. I've tried everything to end it. I had enough. But then I kept telling myself you'd come back someday, so I waited. And I would be ready to wait the next millennia if it would only mean that I would meet you again.” 

**xxx**

_“I am to see to it that I do not lose you again”_

His world began and ended with unimaginably blue eyes, staring at him desperately and shining with tears.

“I can’t lose you again” Merlin said in a low voice. “I can’t.” 

Arthur approached him and put his hands on his cheeks, wiping the tears that began to run down. He rested his forehead against Merlin's, keeping eye contact with him all the time. 

He was holding his home, his love. His greatest treasure. 

_I love him._

“I belong to you and you belong to me.” 

Arthur and Merlin. Merlin and Arthur. 

“I will not leave you because we are one.” 

Together for eternity. 


End file.
